The Struggle To Understand
by craxylinx
Summary: Post "The Telling." Sydney gets mad.


Disclaimer: Alias is not mine

**The Struggle to Understand **

"Since that night at your house...when you fought the double...it's been two years" the meaning of Vaughn's words did not fully penetrate her, her mind was blurred and she hurt all over and this seemed like some cruel joke.

"W...what?" she stammered struggling to understand what he was trying to tell her.

"Two years Sydney, it's been two years since that night"

Sydney's mind raced. Her brain and heart both screamed _'No...It can't...How can'_

"But how can that…Vaughn... Why are you wearing that ring?"

'_Oh god no'_

"Things have changed Sydney... You're dead to a lot of people... We thought you were dead. They thought that you had switched your loyalties, that you had given up on the CIA in hopes of finding your destiny with the prophesy"

Sydney saw Vaughn's lips moving but could barley hear him over the pounding in her head. Was that her hear beating that loudly? Was that her pulse beating over and over to the rhythm of the only phrase that mattered…? _'I don't remember!'_

But his last statement pierced through the pounding in her head. He thought she was a traitor. Her throat grew tight and she chocked out her next sentence with hatred in her tone.

"I would never side with the enemy. You know that" she hissed.

Hearing the anger in her voice he let loose some of his own. "Oh really," he sneered sarcastically. "Really do I? Then where the hell have you been for the past two years, if not with the enemy then where?"

Again her heart pounded out the same brutal devastating truth _'I don't remember.' _

"I...I have no idea but I would not...I wouldn't...for gods sake I don't remember. You just told me that two years is passed since something that seems like yesterday to me, and now you're wearing that ring and you're screaming at me and... God all I want you to do is hold me Vaughn, I don't understand."

'_Hold me'_

-Damn it Sydney don't tell me to hold you, even if... things have changed. I'm married, but you know I, I mean... damn it I just can't. Don't put me in this position."

"Put YOU in this position, you don't know what pain is I've just been told that 2 years of my life have vanished and you're standing there giving ME a guilt trip over putting YOU in a difficult situation? What guts you have, you really don't care about me at all do you!?"

'_Please...tell me I'm wrong, god let me be wrong'_

"Please Sydney spare me the comparison of pain, you're talking to a man who woke up one morning to find that the woman he loved, and had never even gotten a chance to tell that to was just gone, no trace, just a few dead ended leads and the rumor of your loyalties being compromised. Do not tell me about pain. You're talking to a man who after two years of agony just married a woman who... who...who lets me relax. And just when my life gains even the semblance of normalcy you show up and I'm brought back into the CIA again." Vaughn took a deep breath and immediately regretted exploding on her like that. "I... I'm sorry," she interrupted him then.

"No, no absolutely not, you don't need to apologize you're absolutely right. I've got nothing on your pain. No doubt I have not even begun to experience the pain I have already endured, When I remember what has happened then I can talk, until then... well no one wants to find out where I've been more than me and obviously you have a life to get back to and could care less so lets just leave it at that and get back to LA shall we?" Tears were pooling in her eyes but he was not 'leaving it at that'.

"Don't do that. Don't discount my search for you, my love for you. I still care about you Sydney. Hell I may even still love you but what am I supposed to do huh? What? Leave my wife for you? I know you're going through a lot but this is not my fault...how can this be my fault?"

"Its not your fault Vaughn, its mine I guess, I guess I shouldn't have believed that you knew me well enough to know that I would not betray my country, its my fault"

"STOP it Sydney, its not your fault, its not my fault, don't give me a guilt trip over this and don't try to end this conversation before it is over. I've thought for two years about what I would say to you if you came back and god damn it I'm not gonna be shy now."

"Fine, say it so I can unburden you with my presence."

"Please don't do that, I loved you then I... that hasn't stopped, I just, you don't know how surprised I was when I heard that you were found, how relieved, but there is so much that has to happen now with you. You're likely to go through pain that I would kill to hold your hand through but our situations don't allow for that, at least not as they stand now. But Sydney you have to know why I got married while you were gone. It wasn't because I'd forgotten you or because I'd stopped loving you. It was because I was desperate to sooth my own pain over your disappearance. I married Mindy," Sydney winced, "because she and I had made a pact early on, she was my best friend in high school, we made this pact that if there came a point in our lives where we had both been hurt too much and needed someone that we couldn't have, or couldn't bare to try at love anymore...that we would marry each other, that we would comfort and take care of each other as best we could and that we would be each others safe haven in which we could have a friend, a companion and a rock to lean on just so we would have someone to fill the void as best they could, so please don't think that I've betrayed you."

"This is all to much, it seems like just yesterday that we were going to Santa Barbara, I don't think I can handle this right now. I... I mean what are you saying? Are you saying we still have a chance, or that I should give up on you? Because I don't think I can do that Vaughn"

"I'm saying that I don't know what we are going to do and that we will have to see as we go along. But I'm also saying that we need to be open with each other, even if it means fighting each other tooth and nail. We cannot put ourselves through this dance of pain where we isolate ourselves and don't say what we mean. Let's just agree right now to tell each other the truth about how we're feeling, and what we're thinking. I'm also saying that right now we need to be careful about...everything, God Syd all I want is to find my way back to you but I just don't know if its possible anymore, please stay strong through this for me, for us."

Her only response was a nod before she broke down and was wracked in sobs for what could have been, and what she hoped to God, still could be.


End file.
